Justin Timberlake wants you to know... Vol. 2

I went to see Justin Timberlake's Future Sex Love Show. It was ridiculously entertaining. Here's a rundown of my night/the show with 9 of Justin's Blatant Attempts at Appearing Dangerous (JTBAAAD) highlighted in red.

6:31 p.m. I come barreling into my friend Laura's driveway. Late as usual, but this time it's somewhat unacceptable because she was one of those freakish 'N Sync fans and who am I to stand in the way of her and Justin Timberlake? We wave goodbye to her dad and speed away.

7:05 p.m. We stand in line so she can buy butt shorts that say "SexyBack" across the keester. I marvel at how many Justin fans are downing lite beer in clear plastic cups. We're really growing up!


7:30 p.m. I make Laura wait in the concessions line with me so I can get two slices of cheese pizza and a water. Because I'm fat on the inside. We hear the crowd start to go wild and assume the show is starting. This particular concessions stand is cash only, I learn, which is frustrating when you're trying to shove a credit card in the cashier's face. Laura loans me the couple of dollars I need to purchase my feast and we're off just in time for the very end of P!nk's first song, "Cuz I Can." Thanks Laura. I owe you some money!

8:35 p.m. P!nk's show ends with her doing some Cirque du Soleil shit up in the air. She's at least 150 feet above the ground harnessed only by what looks like a long silk scarf. At this point, I'm wondering about her life insurance policy.

8:40 p.m. JTBAAAD # 1: As the roadies and stagehands tear down P!nk's set and prepare for Justin's, Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" begins to play. This song is better known for its driving bass line (which, come to think of it, probably inspired "SexyBack") and its chorus of "I want to f**k you like an animal/ I want to feel you from the inside/ I want to f**k you like an animal/ My whole existence is flawed/ You get me closer to God."

It's a well known fact that the headlining artist chooses the music that warms up the crowd before the start of his show. The concert hasn't started yet and already Justin's trying too hard to come off as dangerous. It's actually working though: moms and their teens exchange nervous glances as they begin to notice what's blaring from the speakers. Nice work, JT.

8:45 p.m. Laura goes number 1 in the men's bathroom. She's such a rebel.

8:45:30 p.m. The lights go down and the periphery of a sheer, circular curtain in the middle of the stage lights up in dark red. I start to freak out for Laura's sake, (1) because she's sitting on a men's toilet and (2) because she's missing the intro and I'm the one who told her she had plenty of time.

Time is a blur from 8:45 p.m. to about 1:30 a.m. Here is the set list with some comments along the way.

"FutureSex/LoveSounds" It's a shame that one of the better songs on the album is barely audible below the wild shrieks of the crowd. I'm excited too but damn audience, take a Xanax. Once the sheer curtain raises to reveal JT, clad in a Pee Wee Herman-style grey suit, the crowd gets even nuttier. I hear a little bit of the chorus, I think.

"Like I Love You" There is little to no break between this and the first song so the crowd is still at level 10 for this one. Especially when the backup dancers all group behind JT for the dance break.

"My Love." Justin starts this one slowly, standing in place as he sings with only an orchestral accompaniment and single spotlight on him. But then Justin's high-pitched voice orders, um, the sound guy (?) to "Drop. That. Shit. Right. Now." He's talking about the beat of the song we know from the CD version. That's JTBAAAD # 2.

"Señorita." You'd think after swearing (oooh!), he'd take a little breather from the unsavory behavior. I mean, there are parents and children in the audience! But no, before Justin takes a seat at the keyboard for "Señorita," he asks everyone in the audience to raise their glasses for a toast. Then he says something about not trying this at home and proceeds to take a shot of tequila. Ladies and gentlemen, JTBAAAD # 3.

"Sexy Ladies." Yeah, I don't remember this one.

"Until the End of Time." Don't remember this one either.

"What Goes Around..." This one I remember for a couple of reasons. A spinning, circular piece of lighting equipment descends over JT during the chorus. He's all about beating us over the head with his themes. Get it? What goes around comes around... the lighting equipment is round and moving in a circle. Yeah, you get it.

Also memorable in "What Goes Around..." is the ending, for which JT walks all over the stage pointing a handicam in his own face. Projected onto the screens are uncomfortably close close-ups of his face. And (JTBAAAD # 4!) his middle finger.

JT can say this song isn't autobiographical -- I actually believe the claims that it is about Elisha Cuthbert breaking his friend's heart -- but he better recognize that he's still riding the Britney wave, whether he likes it or not. Half of his fans think this is "Cry Me A River Part II" and he knows it.

"Chop Me Up" f/ Timbaland. Lots of cool images on the circular screens. In fact, there's one screen that says "PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED." I'm calling that JTBAAAD # 5.

At this point in the night, there is a 25-minute intermission. Timbaland basically plays a DJ set of popular songs from the past decade, most of them his own. There is an Aaliyah tribute, Nelly furtado songs and even a bit of "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. On the screen most of the time throughout Timbo's set are iconic images from recent horror movies like The Ring and The Grudge. Laura and I have no idea why.

"Rock Your Body." The screens are covered in colorful disco lights like in the video. I don't remember much else.

"Set the Mood." Everybody sits down and takes a breather while JT literally sets the mood for a few slower jams.

"Gone." Laura wets her pants because he is playing an 'N Sync song. Justin lets the crowd sing most of the words to this one.

"Take it From Here." Don't remember this one. Moving on.

"Damn Girl." Ow, ow! This one was chock-full of sexy burlesque dancers and stripper lap dances. Uh oh! You know what that means: JTBAAAD # 6.

"Summer Love." One of the most provocative moments of the concert takes place during this one. You see, when JT sings the line "Make you wanna say my name, girl," he is standing behind a female dancer who's bent over with her ass in the air. The music stops just before this line in the song for a good 5 seconds, in which JT surveys the crowd and then knocks the dancer over with a hip thrust. Parents in the audience recoil in horror. The older crowd raises their cups and screams. JTBAAAD # 7, people.

"Losing My Way." Silly use of what looks like a Baptist church's gospel choir in this one. Seriously. It's unnecessary. Oh, but he's singing about a crack addict who threw his life away. Let's call this JTBAAAD # 8.

"Cry Me a River." Pretty standard rendition of one of his older hits.

"LoveStoned." Laura and I complain that for a song whose chorus includes the line, "Those flashing lights seem to cause a glare," there are no lights flashing during this one. There are lasers, though. Lasers are cool, I guess.

"SexyBack." Who doesn't freaking love this song? But this performance of it is actually pretty anticlimactic. Considering the anticipation for this one, I'm surprised JT does not disappear for a few moments to up the ante. He doesn't even leave the stage. He just stands there, then the music sort of just starts. And on he goes.

The dancers, band, Timbaland and Justin all clump together and bow. And wave. Nobody's fooled. There is always an encore. Why do performers even pretend anymore? A few minutes later, JT is back and talking about how grateful and blessed he is. Laura is fumbling for her camera because a close-up of his face is projected on the screen.

"(Another Song) All Over Again." The song title is, I guess, appropriate for an encore. It's a good one. Slow. And then it ends!

I forgot to mention a part of the show where Justin kisses -- or appears to kiss -- a female backup dancer. It's very Britney Spears circa 2001, but I mention it because it's definitely JTBAAAD # 9.

A very fun show. Two and half hours is more than I think anyone expects JT to stay on stage, but he delivers the goods. And so does P!nk as his opening act. And so does Timbaland, for that matter.

Is JT trying very, very hard? You bet. Even so, the energy and spectacle of it all made for an amazing concert experience. Dude just needs to realize he is about as scandalous and dangerous as my mail man.